letting down guards

I like to keep walls up. I consider myself a pretty private person, not one to let a lot of people inside my inner circle. I guess this is a way of protecting myself. Protecting myself from people who could hurt me, people who could judge me, and uncomfortable situations that could draw too much attention to me.

When we started trying to get pregnant, no one knew. No one. After many, many unsuccessful months, I finally confided in my sister my frustrations. It helped me through that difficult time a lot. When we started the process of infertility treatment, a surgery was involved for me in the beginning, so we told my parents. Then, when we started IVF, immediate family and a few close friends knew. After reaching my second trimester, we decided that our struggles would no longer be secret. There was nothing to be ashamed of, and if I could help anyone going through something similiar - I wanted to be able to do that. So, for the first time in my life, I have been very open about something that is really private, and I think we have reaped countless blessings from doing so.

When you start the process of adoption, the first thing they tell you, and remind you of constantly, is that it should not be secret. You should tell everyone you know that you are looking to adopt a baby. I hate this idea. Not only do I hate it because it allows a lot of people to know about a personal part of my private life, but I hate it because it puts you in a position to have to have a lot of people know about your heartbreak. Heartbreak at failing to concieve on your own, heartbreak about not being chosen by any particular birth mom, heartbreak if a mother chooses you - only to change her mind. Having a broken heart is hard enough, but then to share it with the everyone you know ?? it's too much.

We have debated over and over how we would approach this situation - to tell or not to tell? That is the eternal question. So far, our method has been that family and close friends know of our intentions to adopt, but I have not advertised it to everyone. The last few days we have had a particular situation on our mind, with a mother looking for a home for her baby - thinking/hoping/praying we might be a good match for her. It looks like we won't be. But given the means by which we heard about her, and how I have been feeling as of late, I feel like I need to let down my guard a little more. This is the second time we have experienced a "maybe baby", and both times we have been approached with the opportunity because someone who knows us, and know of our plans, was in the right place at the right time talking to the right person. I believe in a Heavenly Father who has a plan for me, but isn't just going to give me what I want, when I want it. I have to do my part. I have to do all I can do, and then leave it at His feet and have faith he will make up for the rest. And I do have the faith. I know that a child is on it's way to my arms, from another mother. I know it. You may not see an ad in the paper classifieds with us in it, but I'm trying to do all I can. And today, my part is sharing this... we want to adopt a baby. Soon. We want Boston to have a sibling when he is about a year old. We want to hold that baby in our arms and know that it was sent to us so we could give him all he deserves. We want to take her to the temple and have her sealed to us. We want all our family and friends and their family and friends to know that we feel we could offer a lot to that child. So please, if there is ever a time when you hear of anyone looking for someone like us, we would love for you to pass the information along.

And for the few of you still reading this post, thanks for listening.