Growing a Baby

It's tough work.

My first trimester was no fun. I took fewer pictures in those 3 months than in any single month since I have had kids. By a LOT. And I'm in none of them. One day I looked in the mirror and thought "I should photograph this" because I had truly never looked worse, and it was comical. I was wearing the same shirt, hoodie and sweats I worn for weeks straight, had like 3 days unwashed hair, total hormonal acne like a teenage boy, mascara below my eyes - or maybe just really dark circles since I'm pretty sure I never wore make-up, and no bra. It was ridiculous. I would have posted it here, but I couldn't find my camera in my cave/bedroom and didn't have the energy to look long. So, use your imagination. It was awesome.

I slowly started emerging from that dark abyss just a few weeks ago. Now the slightest tinge of nausea makes me want to sleep for a week just to avoid what it might bring. In fact, many times during this phase (and sometimes even still) I think sleeping through the remainder of this pregnancy sounds like an appealing alternative to having to experience it, but there is some light at the end of the tunnel now. I feel the baby move, John can feel it too, at night when he/she is really active, we get to hopefully find out the gender soon, which is exciting, and I'm this close to the halfway mark, which feels great!

So now it's my sciatic nerve that is my worst symptom, and it can make me want to scream the f-word occasionally, but I guess I'll take that over what I was dealing with. The upsides are so great though. This stage of the baby kicking is fun, later it can be painful, but these little swift-kicks are sweet and feel so miraculous, and I wouldn't trade them for the whole world. I've decided that pregnancy is a lot like motherhood in general, the majority of the time it's just plain hard and can be miserable, but then there are these small, fleeting moments that are so great that it's more than worth it. Is that pessimistic of me? Probably, but I'm a realist and I'm not going to pretend that being a stay at home mom and being pregnant feel like heaven all the time. They don't. This ain't for sissies.

As far as the big ultrasound goes, I'm just hoping for a healthy baby - really and truly it doesn't matter to us if it's a boy or girl. We are both predicting girl, mostly because this pregnancy is so different from Boston's and also because that is what both my kids think it is. And they might know, right? We had an ultrasound a few weeks ago at 16 weeks to see if we could tell and the Dr. first said 70% for sure a girl, then said 70% for sure a boy. So, we will see if this baby will really reveal itself next time.

Does this post sound like I'm complaining? I don't mean to. As hard as I feel like it is, I still feel - more than anything else - really blessed. It's hard to explain unless you have experienced something similar, but I felt in some way like I "earned" the right to be a mom to my other kids. Like going through infertility and IVF gave me the right to be Boston's mom, and the roller coaster and trials of adoption earned me the right to be Naomi's mom, but this baby feels free. I'm sure that sounds weird, but sometimes we ask for blessings and they are granted to us just for asking, and sometimes we ask for things that our Heavenly Father might want to give us, but He makes us wait for them, or work harder for them than we would like. This baby is a blessing that has so far come without any asking or conditions. It was just given. For weeks after we found out we were pregnant, it was all I could feel about it, that it was a free blessing, one I didn't earn or deserve, or even dare ask for. It makes me feel loved, and trusted, and like He is so aware of me and my family and the things I want and need. I am writing about it here only because I hope no one ever reads or hears my whining about sciatica etc. and thinks I have forgotten where and how this baby came to us, and because I want to remember this sweet feeling. Lot's of people when they found out about this pregnancy, said things like "wow, what a money saver" or "lucky you, you finally get a free one" all in terms of money because everyone knows IVF and private adoption doesn't come cheap, and I would just smile and say "yep" because the money means nothing in comparison to the kind of "free" I'm talking about.