On my mind

i'm an angel baby and my mommy loves me with her whole happy heart.

recent pictures just because i don't like posts without pictures.

you know how sometimes you have to say something out loud to yourself to understand it?
consider this me speaking out loud.

this has been on my mind for about a month now, and it won't let me sleep at night, or leave my mind for very long during the day, so i'm going to put it out on paper (or blog) to see if it will put my mind at ease and leave me alone for a while.

john and i talk a lot about how and when to have another baby. we have made no secret of our difficulties in this area. we essentially can't do it on our own. ivf or adoption are our options. while it has been true for me that when your baby is born you forget about the pain of pregnancy and labor, and it is replaced with overwhelming love, this is unfortunately not true about the pain of in vitro. while of course it was worth it, it is far too vivid a memory to imagine doing it again any time soon. it makes me queasy just to think of it. and if you don't know anything about ivf, then i'm happy for you and i'll spare you the details.

so, lucky for us, we have long wanted to adopt. even before we knew we had problems getting pregnant. we started the process with lds family services, and then put them on hold when we finally achieved a pregnancy. because i'm so hesitant to do another round of fertility treatment anytime soon (meaning like, i think i need a 5 year break of needles) i have been looking into starting the adoption process again. problem is, while lds family services is wonderful and affordable, we would not be eligible until boston is 1 and the wait is potentially long for placement. we want another baby soon. we want one close in age to boston. so, i started looking into private adoption agencies here in utah. some appear to be really great ones.

so here is what has been on my mind. one particular agency i have been looking at, is actually seeking out families who are willing to adopt bi-racial or full african american babies. this means basically, that there is a waiting list about a year long to get a caucasian baby, and little to no wait for a baby of another ethnicity.

i have never been opposed to this idea. in fact, we still plan to try and adopt from guatemala at some point. the problem is not how i would feel about having a racially blended family, it is how others might feel. it hurts my heart to think that people are so opposed to this idea - even in utah, where people are predominantly lds - why do some think that these babies are not just as worthy of having a loving family where they can be taught the gospel and sealed to their parents? don't we all agree that we come from the same Heavenly Father who says himself that He is no "respector of persons". clearly anyone who judges someone, especially an innocent baby, based on the color of their skin is ignorant. i hoped that my generation, at least for the most part, didn't have these kind racial issues. but am i the ignorant one for thinking that people won't treat my adopted child differently if his skin is not the same as boston's? am i crazy to think that i won't get second looks at the grocery store when i'm the mother scolding a child for being naughty when the child clearly couldn't be "mine"?

on top of it all, i recently read the most disturbing article about women who get late term abortions. most of these women are bi-racial and african american. i wanted to seek them all out and tell them i would do anything to change their mind. i wanted to promise them that i could find amazing families that would raise these children in a home with two parents and a stable and loving environment. i wanted to tell them that i would take their babies.

i don't plan to make this decision based off the opinions of others. in fact, i think my decision has already been made. i'm just waiting to feel that peace that the people i love, and expect to love my kids, will love them no matter.
it has just been weighing on me... and i felt i had to get it off my chest and out of my head.

on a much lighter note... boston is the apple of my eye. he continues to fill my days with joy and i expend all my energy just loving him... and at night right before i fall asleep i say an extra prayer of thanks that he is my son and that he brings me deep happiness.

hey grandma... look how big i am! and i love to be outside!